By Eddy Friedfeld
Television legend Betty White was the target of this
year’s Friars Club Roast, held in New York’s Sheraton Hotel.
From an eclectic dais that ranged from Matt Lauer, Liza
Minelli, and Dick Cavett, to Dominic “Uncle Junior” Chianese, to The Office’s
Oscar Nunez, to former New York star John Starks, to boxing great Ray “Boom
Boom” Mancini, to Best Picture The Artist’s Uggie the Dog, the event was up to
its usual biting and merciless humor, poking fun at the guest of honor’s age
and sexual proclivity.
Barbara Walters served as Roastmaster, marking the
first time in Friars history that women were both host and subject. “Yesterday, I was talking to the President of
the United States,” Walters said, referring to Barack Obama’s appearance on The
View, “and today I am with second rate comedians and a dog.”
Walters kicked off the festivities by skewering her
longtime friend: “What has been said
about Betty White that hasn’t been said about her contemporaries: Moses, John the Baptist, and General Custer…
Betty was the first woman banned by the TSA for requesting too many pat downs,
the first person to try and send a text from a land line, and the first woman
to do Shakespeare at The Globe Theater. Literally- she did him in the balcony.”
“Regis Philbin, Abe Vigoda, Larry King, what is this, a
roast or are we Sitting Shiva,” Walter’s co-host, Joy Behar, said about her
elderly dais companions. “Larry King’s
latest wife is not only compatible romantically; she is also a compatible
donor… When Katie Couric had her last colonoscopy televised, they found Sarah
Palin’s high school diploma… Betty White is so old her first sitcom was “Hot
for Grover Cleveland.”
White’s Hot in Cleveland costars Valerie Bertinelli and
Jane Leeves took the podium together: “Betty has slept with every Cy Young award winner- including Cy Young;
and when Joe Jonas lost his promise ring, Betty didn’t rest until he didn’t
need it anymore,” Bertinelli said. “Betty asked a young waiter: “How
many times does 20 go into 90?”” Leeves added.
Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross, creator and host of
the upcoming Comedy Central’s The Burn, congratulated Walters on her interview
with the President on The View, “or as Fox News reported it: “Muslim Terrorist Invades Lesbian Orgy!”
“Larry King is to comedy what Martin Luther King is to
comedy,” he said to “the great hunchback of CNN.”
Turning to the “Ghost of Honor,” the hysterical Ross
said: “Betty is truly the only person
who truly saw The Titanic in 3-D… she is so old that the color white is named
after her… Poor Betty has had more men die on top of her than Mount Everest,”
and that he was “really looking forward to her next movie: “Weekend at Betty’s.”
“Betty, just for the record- I don’t think videotaping
your orthoscopic surgery counts as a hidden camera show. And this big comeback- “Betty-Mania,” all
started with a Snickers commercial. Did you guys see it? And I thought The Kardashians were the only
ones who got famous by stuffing chocolate in their mouths.”
Although his office was three blocks away, David
Letterman appeared on a video clip, offering a Top Ten List of little known
facts about Betty White, including that “she was only 33, but lived a hard
life; has seen seven Presidents naked, many at the same time; shaved the backs
of co-stars Ed Asner and Bea Arthur; is the sister of Barry White; and once, on
The Match Game, handled Gene Rayburn’s “blank.””
“At Betty
White’s age there is a fine line between a roast and a cremation,” Larry King
told the audience. He shared the advice
Betty allegedly gave other people: “She
told Arnold Schwarzenegger- “Don’t pay the maid, just give her a big tip under
the table;” to Abraham Lincoln- “the tickets are a gift, enjoy!” to John
Edwards- “enjoy the girl, she probably won’t say anything;” to the Captain of
The Hindenburg- “ignore the no smoking sign;” to John Travolta- “I know a great
male masseur;” and to Mel Gibson- “they don’t control the media, say whatever
you want.”
“Larry King is a
triple threat,” said closer Lisa Lampanelli,” at any given moment he can have a
heart attack, stroke, or shit his pants… Jeff Ross is so ugly that when he
whacked off his hand froze… Matt Lauer is thinner than a Hot in Cleveland plot
line… Regis is so old that his Social Security number is in Roman Numerals…
Betty White was born in Oak Park, Illinois and lived with her parents, or as we
knew them as- Settlers… she is so old that on the first game show she was on
the grand prize was fire.”
White thanked The Friars for all the charity work that
they do and for the event: “I had a
great time when I didn’t expect to.”
(For Eddy Friedfeld's coverage of the Friars Roast for Jerry Lewis, see Cinema Retro issue #6)
